25 Lives
by lapin en fleur
Summary: After an accident that leaves her short of an eye, Ursula is demoted from on-duty soldier to messenger. Though it is a little humiliating she gladly accepts it in order to stay close to Erwin but soon enough she finds herself getting swept up in things that she wasn't meant to know. Namely things about Erwin and his niece. [LevixOC / ErwinxOC / Various future pairings] hiatus
1. Protect

**CHAPTER ONE: PROTECT**

"We aim hard to make sure we're safe but in the end we're just bleeding hearts."

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**NOTE:** This is actually my first story in a long while ( Not to mention my first SnK story ) so please bear with me for a little bit. Forgive me if anyone is OOC as well. Truthfully I'm not quite used to getting character personalities right off the bat. Also it is to be mentioned that Elizabeth belongs to a friend while Ursula belongs to myself. Thank you c:

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"**Sometimes we think we're strong, we like to lose ourselves to that illusion because we're human and we think we can do anything, but the truth is those who push themselves to believe that idea are far from it and in the end they hurt more than just themselves with such foolish thoughts. It's selfish, really, to think you're strong when you aren't. It's so very selfish because people pay for borrowed ideas.**"

It's raining, it's cold. The sound of the gurgles and grunting from the titans below chimed high above the noise of the storm. The rain is loud, so very loud, as it emanates through the forest which makes a slight and haunting sound but accompanied by the titans lining the trees was an even more terrifying reminder that they were apart of a bleak existence of being nothing more than fodder for giant balls of flesh with mouths. Some of the others stood strong against it while others shook in their boots. You either had nerves of steel or you just managed to keep your fear under control if you weren't quaking like a scared mouse.

It had been three years since Maria's fall and even still nothing had been learned. _Three years_ of trial and horrific error trying to find ways to reclaim the outermost of their lands. Reaching one of the ancient forests was a victory in itself but with the sudden storm their luck was running short. Already a great number of casualties had been met and even more would be gambled away the longer they stayed among the trees. It was thought that there was something hidden in the forest that could be used to help but unfortunately there was nothing to justify the deaths of so many.

In short this entire trip was worthless.

A particular female stands on her branch as her eyes carefully watch one just below her. It's eyes are tiny and soulless as it stares up at her, it's hands trying to pull her down but luckily it's too short to do so. She's expressionless but inside her heart is beating faster than the rain that falls from the sky. Her breathing is a bit shallow and all around her people are yelling to one another about things she can't catch. She may not totally look it but she's scared.

"Captain Levi, lookout!" A voice calls in a worried tone deep within the forest. The fact it can be overheard clearly above the gurgles and the grunts that the things below create cause many to become stiff with a mixture of doubt, worry and fear. They were coming back now which meant it was time to go but that was far from relieving.

She stares more, it stares back with it's hollow eyes, and in almost an instant she nearly misses the arrival of the others. Still frozen in her spot all she can do is watch as everyone starts to deal with the titans and with each that fell two of their own meet their own ruthless end. The girl with grey eyes can only watch: her heart no longer in the fight.

"Ursula, get moving!" someone hisses at her, she looks over to see someone urging her to go just as they do.

"R-Right!" was all that she can reply with as she moves ever so slightly to the edge. Usually she had the strength to push herself to do this sort of thing even if all she did was support someone else. But why couldn't she do it now? What was suddenly so different about this expedition that halted her every move?

"Come on Ursula," the girl mutters to herself as her grey eyes freeze upon the wet ground "Do it for mother."

But then she notices it: he isn't there.

Momentarily the female's grey eyes search the crowd and as she scans each and every face it comes to her attention that he is in fact not there. Their Commander wasn't there, he was gone. Death was possible especially considering he was probably alone. Suddenly her heart sinks into the pit of her stomach as this thought etches itself into her mind. Alone in such circumstances certified death.

Quickly calling out that she was going back the female begins to swing from tree to tree trying to locate Erwin. He was more than just her Commander, he was more than just a stiff and calculating man, he was a person who she idolized more than life itself. The Commander had a special place in her heart and she knew she would be lost without him should he meet his demise out here. Everybody would be lost which was why she made herself be brave to find him, for not only herself but for them all.

As she swings from her maneuver gear she keeps her eyes open for any titans and her commander. Nothing like trying to save someone and be eaten in the process which unfortunately happens way too many times. She didn't wish to become one of those many who died trying to be a hero.

"Erwin!" someone shouts which makes her stop to look around. "Behind you!"

Suddenly she catches a glimpse of golden hair along the dense green foliage and her grey eyes actively seek out the location as to where the person disappeared into. But as she looks further while she stands along the tree's side it occurs to her that a familiar titan has followed her.

"Oh no." she breathes to herself as she watches from afar as that monster with the soulless eyes seeks out a new target "I brought a titan with me."

With panic settling in with the fear the girl quickly hurries off into the direction in which the monster has disappeared to and as she swings from tree to tree she desperately seeks out any sign of her Commander. But as she delves further into the thick overgrowth it becomes ever more evident that she was losing his trail. Unfortunately it causes more desperate worry to eat her alive.

"Gods, give me strength." she says to herself as she tries to gather the courage to kill it should she be lucky enough to find it before it finds the Commander. Was this what being brave got? The death of her Erwin? What was she going to do now? Before anymore questions can be asked the sounds of a fight nearby comes rushing by. The vibrations and noise from that fight emanate throughout everything and Ursula wonders if she's too late. Through the thick and wet world she pushes herself to the heart of that noise and once she arrives she watches as two figures begin to leave the scene of a dead titan. It's safely confirmed that one of them that was leaving was Erwin and her heart began to rest but whoever the other person was was unknown. A soft smile curls her lips as she begins to follow them to safety, worry no longer eating her. However the second she lunges forward she steps on something slippery and loses her balance. As she swings through the air without any support her eyes widen. Not even a second of a scream can leave her throat as she falls forward, instantly colliding with the tree she was aiming for. The last thing she saw and felt was hitting it's hard surface and her limp body dangles mid-air as blood drips down.

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A mild stir can be seen at the tips of the fingers as she comes back from a nothingness filled sleep. The air was soft and warm and as the fuzziness slips away it had been realized that it was no longer raining. In fact she was no longer outside.

"Ahh..." a soft noise escapes her lips as she regains consciousness.

"Don't move, you will just hurt yourself more." a familiarly cold voice speaks to the left. Opening her right eye she turns her head slightly, her vision becomes less fuzzy as she stares at whoever just spoke to her. As the pain settles and her eyesight became less difficult it was determined that the voice belonged to Levi.

"Trying to be a hero gets you killed." A second voice speaks then and instantly her eyes shift from the man at her side to the one who stands crossed-armed in the doorway.

"Commander! I'm so sorry! I -" She begins but is stopped by a wave of his hand and a shake of his head.

"I believe the cost of your eye is a sufficient consequence. However due to your current state I believe you are no longer a soldier fit for duty. You are discharged."

Erwin had the ability to be a remarkable man with his ways but as he delivered her greatest fear to her without even an ounce of remorse she can't help but to feel conflicted. Her biggest idol took away her only dream; what was she to do now?

"Commander, p-please." Ursula begins as he turns away to leave "Please don't do this. I can still fight, I promise. I just wanted to make sure you were safe!"

"I will hear nothing more upon the matter, my decision is final. I would suggest you rest for the night as in the morning you will be expected to leave." he answers without looking back.

"Please don't do this..." she says softly, her eye glossy from the welling of tears.

The other man at her side merely watches with a rather apathetic looking stare as she begins to cry. He finds himself letting his eyes linger on her a little more, his eyes watching as her lips tremble with pathetic defeat.

"Rest. You will need your strength within the next few days." he says to her then as he trails after the blond male who only just left. As she is left by herself in a room that smells of stale air she lets a few tears stain her pillow. Truthfully she didn't like to cry. It was such a terrible feeling to let others know just how defeated you are.

All she wanted to do was to protect Erwin but unfortunately she lacked the strength. Now she was no longer a soldier but simply a pathetic creature with a missing eye. Such a high price to pay for forgetting one's place.


	2. Time

**CHAPTER TWO: TIME**

"Time is fragile whether you realize it or not. In one fell swoop it's gone."

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"**Time is an ever flowing current.**

**No matter how hard you try it will always go onward, ushering you with it's harsh current. It will take you, consume you, make you it's own and even if you submit to it's pull it will leave you empty. Like a cruel mistress she controls us and time will always win whatever war she wages with you.**"

"You're late." That cold voice states as the girl stumbles in, a little lost with her walking skills since the accident.

"I'm so sorry... I'm just not used to the one-eye thing just yet. I kept running into things on my way here." She responds while she holds tightly onto the broom as a sheepish smile etches itself across her light face. The male stares at her with that same icy expression and it unnerves her slightly; she finds herself unable to get used to such a cold leer even after the past three weeks of being at his side constantly cleaning. Levi had always been such a clean freak and sometimes when he would get into it he would look quite peaceful. A strange serenity for such a peculiar man.

"Don't worry about it, just get to work."

"Yes sir!"

It's quiet in the little study as they sweep and dust everything off. Of course there's those little grunts and sighs that escape their lips as they grow ever weary from keeping things neat and tidy. The sun shines through the window as they continue to work and out of the corner of her good eye Ursula quietly watches him as he works hard to erase a strange splotch from the beautiful hardwood desk. She couldn't help but to pause for a moment and watch him work, amazed by his dedication to the eradication of that smear.

Though short he had been a firm man. Much like her Commander he too had been a rock if not more of a mountain. Of course a mountain in the sense that he looked rigid but lovely when the sunlight hit him right. Majestic may not have been the right word but he was proud in his way, that had been for certain. Most people were afraid of him and truthfully even now after those three weeks of being so tied to his hip she had still been unsure. But after what he did for her... Well, what couldn't she like about him?

"I didn't call you here to let you stand around." He states then which causes her to jump slightly.

"A-Ah! Sorry! I just -"

"You say sorry too much. Stop it."

"I'm sorry..."

He then looks up at her and she awkwardly stares back at him. He had been right; she was a soldier, not some meek little girl. No wonder why she choked that day and got herself into trouble. She had no backbone, no will. She was pathetic really, nothing like her mother.

"I just never got to thank you for what you did. You didn't have to do it and I'm surprised you pulled it off. So... Thank you, Captain Levi."

Levi merely stands up then, his right hand flies upward to the little cloth mask he wore and pulls it down while his eyes shift towards the window and it's light. In return she brushes a lose strand of auburn hair out of her eyes in order to get a better look at him. And just like a mountain he looked proud with the sun pouring it's light onto his sturdy frame.

"I can't say I fully understand what was going through your head at the time but I'm certain you were convinced it was for the best. At the time I merely felt that convincing Erwin to keep you around was for the best. Whether or not the outcomes were what we planned, it was what happened. Thank me if you wish but don't think too much of it."

A bit taken aback by his bluntness she stands for moment wondering what to say or do next. His eyes return to her and she smiles.

"Thank you." she says then.

He only stares and they hold one another's eye for what seemed like years.

"We're wasting time. Get back to work." He says as he breaks away from her gaze.

"Yes sir!" Ursula answers and almost instantly she continues with her job.

A few minutes later she begins to hum lightly. It's upbeat with an underlying sadness to it and as she brushes more dirt away she continues to hum. Her eyes search the ground as she wanders around the room and eradicates the dirt just as well as he was doing earlier. She wants to be just as good as him for the mere reason that she doesn't want to disappoint him and make him regret his decision to convince the Commander to let her stick around.

She doesn't want to feel like a burden anymore.

"What song is that?" he questions then. It's a little out of the blue but she doesn't stop sweeping to think about it.

"It was a song my mother used to sing to me. I don't remember the words or what it was about, fish I think, but she used to put me to bed with it when I was little. Every so often I hum it when I feel comfortable or scared." she answers then.

He doesn't say anything for a few minutes as he wipes more things down, wondering which of the two options she was currently feeling.

"Are you scared of me?" Levi asks and once more she doesn't stop to answer but continues to sweep.

"Admittedly I was earlier but after so many weeks of working with you I think there's nothing to be scared about. Certainly you're a little icy but that's ok. If anything I admire the way you hold yourself so under control."

It goes quiet then as he takes her words in. His eyes drift to the window once more and he momentarily stares outside. He doesn't really have anything to say but instead thinks about it. The sound of her sweeping is a bit noisy though and makes him lose his concentration. "If you want you can go back to humming." he states then as he returns to wiping things down. She smiles lightly and she does as he says by holding her plump limps together and begins her song over.

In no time their day is complete and a clean study was left as a result of their hard work.


	3. Haunt Me

**CHAPTER THREE: HAUNT ME**

"You were always so close yet so far out of my reach."

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**"People believe in spirits because it's more comforting to accept that our souls don't become nothingness when we die. They like to get lost in the fantasy that their loved one doesn't just disappear when they go, that they're still there as the dust and the wind.**

**But on the flip side of this people enjoy to ignore the living as if they aren't there. They reject someone because they don't fit into their life like they may fit into theirs. People are cruel because they disregard the living and long for the dead."**

She was beautiful.

Long blonde hair and deep green eyes. A smile that could kill and charisma like a cult Goddess. Tall and elegant like any beauty queen, it wasn't a surprise that many of the other soldiers crowded her like spellbound moths to spitting fire wherever she went. For as long as Ursula could remember she found herself envying Elizabeth for not only her looks but of a certain thing she had that could never be obtained: bound by blood to Erwin as his niece.

From afar the girl watches as the tall blonde laughes at a soldier's joke.

Aurou.

Apparently he had a thing for lighter haired girls which had been something that Ursula had been thankful for. She gently touches her own dark red strands as she stands in the distance and silently envying the center of attention. A known flirt with a bad reputation of getting her lovers killed but being the Commander's niece people feared that their tongues would be cut out if any words were slipped around. Really all you could do was hope you weren't her next target for affection but with the way they flocked around her it was hard not to become the next victim.

"Hey, Ursula! Come join us!" she says then and the moment she becomes noticed all she does is wave her invitation off.

"I wish I could but I can't," the auburn haired female responds with a smile "Captain Levi has me busy all day long. I have to keep myself working if I want to stay here, he says."

It is unknown if the look of disappoint in her eyes is true but it's comforting. Much more comforting than some of the looks she has gotten after the accident. Most had forgiven her, others ignored her, a combination of both in some cases but in the end it was all ok. Perhaps that's what she deserved after everything. However the sudden sound of someone shuffling towards her and the feeling of someone grabbing her arm causes the broom to drop from her hands. "Come on, just join us! You've been working so hard and if worse comes to worse I'll just speak with the Commander."

Amazed by Elizabeth's lively nature Ursula can't help but give in to her. Though they may have graduated together they were both so very different from one another. Elizabeth had just been so vivid, so out there, while Ursula was that of a wallflower. But right here right now she was apart of such a loud and colorful group that she nearly forgot how to speak.

"Hey Ursula, how does the eye feel?" someone then asks her after only a few seconds of settling in.

"Hey! Don't ask her that! That's rude!" a particular female says as she gets defensive.

"No no, it's completely fine!" Ursula responds with a soft smile as she looks at them all "I'm fine with these questions."

Despite the orange haired woman's eager state to tell the other male to refrain from asking it's very clear that she herself is very interested. Ursula smiles the kindest towards her but in that same instant she smiles to everyone. "It doesn't hurt, not really, it just feels like a big empty space."

"How does the scar feel?" the orange haired girl questions.

"I thought it was rude to ask, _Petra_." that male says as he puts extra emphasis on her name. A little rosy-cheeked from embarrassment she quickly apologizes and this time Ursula laughs slightly.

"It doesn't feel like anything either! If anything I forget about it until I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror." she looks downwards to her hands in her lap remembering the first time she saw the new marring on her skin from such harsh impact with the tree. It spread out like a grotesque flower covering the top of her left brow to down her cheek and though some lines were delicate others were harsh. "I don't resent it, if you're wondering. It's beautiful in it's own way like all scars are. They just remind you of what you've been through, what you've seen. That's all this one is. Just another story that my skin tells."

When she looks back up they're staring at one her in a strange way. Has she said too much? Are they judging her now?

"I didn't realize you were the sentimental type." Elizabeth says and a light color rushes to her cheeks.

"I suppose I am! My mother had always thought that way about things." She replies as the blush further increases, her head turning to the blonde at her side. However the others laugh a little, breaking the quietness of the room. It's good to hear laughter after so much hardship that they face all the time. Laughter fills the soul with faith, her mother would say to her on the very few days she would be home, faith in the good and the ability to keep the bad at bay. The moment you lose your laughter the moment you have nothing to give to this world. Even a smile keeps your spirit light and free from weights.

But as they laugh a familiar presence came about the room ceasing the momentary lightness that was just shared. Erwin in all of his gloomy glory strode into the room causing everyone to stiffen and her heart to sink. They all stand to attention, Ursula freezes, unsure of what to do. He doesn't look to her, merely ignores her, and he addresses everyone else. Perhaps she was like a ghost; there but not.

"We will be heading out in the morning. I would suggest you to prepare yourselves for the next expedition outside of the walls." his eyes shift towards Elizabeth and after a few seconds of silent communication between the two she leaves the room. Then so does everyone else and not a word is whispered leaving the blond male and her alone. Much to her surprise his eyes flicker towards her and she they gaze at one another.

"I see most of your scars are healing well." he speaks quietly and she says a simple 'yes sir' in response. "Do they hurt?"

Thinking back to the thing she had said only five minutes prior she wonders what she should say. Perhaps he was simply being a polite Commander and asking out of pity or perhaps he really was wishing to know but whatever the case she felt her lips curl as she shook her head. "No. They're fine."

Not a word is given in response as he continues to look down at her. That's all he has ever done is look down and her heart sinks a little further.

He moves forward then, she stands to attention after realizing that she had been sitting the whole time, and from behind his back he produces a letter and hands it to her. A little bit confused but unable to voice her thoughts she holds onto it and stares at it. "I believe it's time for you to make a little more use of yourself other than be just Levi's maid. You will be relaying messages between us and the King when we see fit. I would suggest you ready your horse for tomorrow as well."

"Yes Commander!" the grey eyed girl responds, a slight bit of hope welling in her heart. Before he left completely he turns to look at her and their eyes met. She smiles at him and he only leers at her with a bit of gloom lingering behind his eyes. But their moment had come and gone, he leaves with nothing else to say.

But as she stood with her letter in hand she found herself staring at a new pair of eyes. In the darkness they were hidden but whoever they were stared at her for only a few seconds before trailing after Erwin. However Ursula disregarded it and found herself overjoyed.

After six weeks of constant cleaning she finally found her place among them again. No longer an outcast in both social and work means she felt thrilled.

She no longer haunted people who had no use for her.


	4. Dream

**CHAPTER FOUR: DREAM**

"They say if you can't sleep at night it means you're awake in someone else's dream."

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**"Dreams are meant to give us hope and faith in this life, to give us something to look forward to in the future. However sometimes dreams corrupt us and make us selfish. They twist our hearts and we render ourselves useless to their bidding as we strive for them. In consequence these aren't dreams anymore, they're nightmares."**

The weather had been exceptionally chilly.

Winter would be upon them soon and it would be even more dangerous than usual. Despite how much being an on duty soldier meant to her, Ursula couldn't help but to quietly admit to herself that she was thankful for what happened that day. Rest assured she would meet her mother soon but unfortunately Ursula didn't relish dying any time soon. And even though she would only be delivering a letter to the capital she still felt uneasy about everything.

"Hey, are you going tomorrow?" a soft voice questions and she stirs lightly to look to her side. A male around her age, perhaps a little older, was staring at her with a bit of a worried look coloring his face but of course in the moonlight everything looked a little more ghastly than it usually did.

"I'll be heading for Utopia, yes." she responds in the same whisper and as they stare at one another in the cold silence he merely gives a low noise, unreadable by any means.

"Could I get you to deliver a message to my sister?" he asks then and she blinks.

"I don't think I'm allowed to deliver messages to civilians." Ursula responds with a bit of remorse understanding what it feels like to want to keep in contact with precious people.

He merely laughs but it doesn't really sound happy. It's a little more sad and she wonders what he's feeling. The only other time such a haunting thing had met her ears had been when her father learned of her mother's death. "No, she's not a civilian," the man says after a brief pause from his quiet but peculiar outburst "She's apart of the military police. You will see her when you arrive, she'll be waiting."

The room goes quiet for a moment as she thinks about this. They stare at one another and ever so softly the sounds of light snoring from the other two in the room could be heard. Within the next few days it's reasonable to think that in such a short time this may be their very last time in such a comfortable bed. This will be the last time they dream so peacefully, this will be it for them. And as her sight lay upon him it then occurs to her that perhaps he too understood this dreadful revelation.

"If you're scared," she says then as she turns to her side to face him completely "It's alright to feel that way. Not everyone can so easily accept their fate and that's ok. It just means your human enough to feel the need to live."

In the moonlight it was clear that his eyes grow dark with her words. It may have been guilt, or resent, but whatever it was he felt it strongly. He turns his face away from her to stare up at the bottom of the top bunk as their world slowly sunk further into their minds. He holds his tongue and his words as he tries to sort his thoughts out and patiently she waits for some sort of response. And then he began "Just tell her that she did a good job. Tell her that I'm proud of her and I always will be."

Unexpectedly Ursula remembers she has no idea who she is speaking to. "You must forgive me for asking this but what is your name?"

He shifts to look at her, his brows furrow slightly as her question sinks in, "My name is James. We graduated together?"

"Ahh, James! I feel dense now, I'm sorry." she responds, still not too sure of who it is. He simply shakes his head as he turns to look back up.

"Don't worry about it, it's an honest mistake."

Still feeling a little worry over this predicament Ursula finds herself wondering what it must be like to have siblings also in the military. As an only child she didn't have to worry about the safety of another but she supposed it was probably something along the lines of how she worried over Erwin. Of course they weren't the same, not really, but the same in the sense that you wanted their being to be well and if it came right down to it you yourself would rather trade places with them when they were in danger. But having one so far away from you, well, it must have been exhausting to worry over both their's and your own safety.

"Don't tell her this but I had a dream I was going to die."

Ursula removes herself from her thoughts and brought herself to full attention as he speaks. Not saying a word she simply waits for him to continue opening up on his own.

"I don't know when but in my dream we were out there trying to get to Maria. It was peculiar but I had that sense that I wasn't going to come back."

It was common for certain people to express themselves to someone while they lay in the dark completely covered. It was in the comfort of darkness that they felt safest, that they felt like they weren't going to go into harms way if they opened themselves up. Some people may have saw it as pathetic but of course we all have our own ways to deal with fear and emotions in general. Seeing someone do it and using her as their comfort zone she felt strangely alright with it. Truly he himself had not been the only one being comforted in this instant.

"If you're worried about dying and not saying goodbye, that's normal too." she answers as he finishes speaking in that low tone "Even if you or they aren't there right beside you it doesn't mean they are completely gone. Everybody who has passed on has left pain behind and has gone somewhere better. One day you will too. You will become the earth, wind, water and sky. You will become a star and keep everybody safe until they're gone too. It's certainly alright to fear or even grieve death but when it comes right down to it it's just another life that we will lead and to be honest any life other than this one is better."

He's motionless and just the sound of breathing surrounds the room. It was still cold and the moonlight still shone through the window creating an almost sad atmosphere among the peaceful place. James merely turns to look at her and his brows furrow. "No wonder why you ran into that tree. You're too much of a dreamer, your head ain't all there."

Her cheeks become rosy and she's thankful for the darkness and blankets "That's exactly what my father would say to me, especially when he would try to convince me to not join the military. He used to say my brain would do me more harm than good."

"Well, thankfully he failed to convince you and your thick head," he responds and no longer is she embarrassed but distraught rather "Otherwise I'd probably still be worried over a bunch of sleep visions."

However the moment the last bit of his sentence leaves his lips she feels relieved. It was a little odd but she felt happy about what happened despite his obvious unrest over the entire thing. Knowing she helped him even a little made her feel good. Before the girl could respond a sudden voice interrupts them "Would you guys shut the hell up already? You've been talking non-stop and I'm trying to sleep!"

"Sorry Aurou. We'll be quiet now."

He merely mumbles something and not a few minutes later he was back to snoring. "Hmph," he quietly mutters from underneath the blankets "Her name is Clair Devore. You will know her when you see her."

Smiling peacefully she merely nods her head despite the obvious fact he couldn't see her do it. Turning to see what James was doing she finds herself feeling relief that he too is now asleep and at peace. Unfortunately she herself could not say the same for her own being as she couldn't close her eyes to rest. It wasn't nerves that kept her up but rather the thoughts of people and how they were faring. In particular Erwin was the one on her mind the most and respectively she questions what he is doing. Was he asleep like his soldiers or was he up too?

Secretly her wish is that he too is unable to rest that way they are both connected in a certain sense. It's a calming idea but in the end it's only a dream that was far from coming true. As much as she hates to admit it, they are only connected as superior and subordinate.

Nothing more no matter how many times she wishes for something else.


	5. Gift

**CHAPTER FIVE: GIFT**

"A gift holds many meanings. May it be love or appreciation, it's yours to interpret."

* * *

"**Presents, for the most part, are given to someone as a sign of affection. Of course there are those instances where presents are given as a mockery but in a whole receiving a present from someone is a good thing. The only difficult part of a present is knowing how to accept it graciously.**"

Despite having a relative amount of sleep Ursula was still quite tired. Her eye lids are heavy as she wanders down the hall and she rubs then slightly, a futile attempt to stay awake as makes her way to the stables. Most people around her were too on edge to stay calm and as they buzz with excitement she finds it oddly relaxing. All the motion and adrenaline kept them all from sinking into despair of who won't return later on and despite such a sorrowful revelation it was still something that needed to be appreciated. For what was an army if they were too scared to leave the safety of head quarters?

"Good morning, Argus." she says to the brown steed who stands vigilantly waiting for her. "Are you ready?"

Gently she brushes the proud creature as she readies both him and herself. There are others around her but they're too busy with what they need to do in order to get underway. It's still pretty early in the morning, the sun is just rising, and as people work huffs of warm breath leave their cold lips. A strange moment of silence lingers with the chill.

"Ursula." a voice behind her says and she turns around to see who is standing there.

A light but kind smile curls the corner of her lips "Yes, James?"

He walks a little closer to her and stuffs a small trinket into her hand. They both stare at the little charm and for a moment she wonders what it's for. When she looks up James' hazel eyes are already staring at her. "Make sure this gets to my sister. It was hers and I want her to have it back."

Ursula smiles a little brighter as she nods. "Of course! I'll see to it this is returned to your sister."

He smiles back "Thank you."

Without much more to say he turns to take his leave but as Ursula holds onto the little charm she feels compelled to say one more thing to him. As he vanishes through the door she quickly follows, hoping to catch him despite the difference in their leg length. The girl narrowly passes a few people as she chases after him making sure that he doesn't slip out of sight. The moment she manages to catch up she extends her reach and grabs his arm causing him to stop. When he turns around to see the short female holding onto him he's a bit taken aback.

"I just wanted you to know that you will be safe," she says in a determined way "I promise you."

He finds himself having trouble responding and he stares down at her. His eyes trace the scars marring the round face peering up at him and notices how a rather long one has tore itself across the bridge of her nose. It's the biggest of them all and truthfully a bit brutal to look at especially considering she had soft features before the accident. She should have died out there but she didn't. A peculiar fact in itself.

"Maybe I'll have your luck then." James finally replies, stiff as ever. She only nods and then she turns away to leave leaving a half-hopeful James behind. In some ways he found it hard to believe her with the dread in his heart but still perhaps a little hope is better than none.

Back in the stables Ursula fixes her maneuver gear and the reins on her horse. Really she can't use the weapons anymore due to the lack of one eye and in consequence her perception was no longer up to speed. Not only would she endanger herself if she actually used it but also the well being of everyone else around her. So instead she wore it as more of an aspect sort of thing: look like a soldier, you still are one. People didn't mess with armed people unless they were stupid or seriously lacking the will to live.

Whatever the case she fixes the leather straps around her legs and secures the wrap around her waist. Ursula looks up to Argus, her eye meeting his dark ones, and she quietly asks how she looks. The horse does nothing but the usual stare while she continues to watch back. She mutters that he isn't helpful and lightly touches his face, the soft feeling is welcoming to her hands.

The smell of hay is also quite nice with the cold. It's a crisp and sweet smell that reminds her of home. Ursula looks to the others who are in the same room with her and momentarily she wonders who she won't see return. They will all be scarred in some form or another, may it be physically or mentally, and for days they won't look this calm after they return. She can't help but to feel guilty for not going with them. She feels guilty that perhaps instead of being coddled by the Commander and Captain she deserves nothing more than to still be left in that tree or a hole in the ground. That's what good soldiers got: a cozy place in the earth, not being allowed to ride to the capital to deliver some message to some King who couldn't fight his own wars.

It then occurs to the girl that how and why she wasn't left in that tree wasn't really explained. One moment she was flying through the tall foliage and the next she awoke in a bed. It really wasn't something that someone normally goes through without actually questioning or wondering. It really felt too surreal to ask, she reasons with herself, why would you want to know the truth behind a good magic trick?

"Hey, Ursula," someone says and she jumps slightly. She turns her head and she sees a familiar male standing in front of her with that same apathetic look veiling his features. "Are you ready to go?"

"Good morning, Captain." she responds as she nods "I'm almost ready, just a few more things to do and I should be off."

Levi quietly watches as she touches Argus and the horse leans into her touch. Her lips curl slightly but it's obvious she's thinking about something else and whatever it is it's bothering her. Judging from how she was staring at the others he guesses if it has something to do with them. He walks a little closer and she turns to face him.

"Do you want to go with them?" he asks then and she becomes surprised.

"To be honest, I'm not sure how I feel. I feel like it's my duty to go with them but... even if I did I know I would just do more harm than good and I feel guilty about being let off so easily."

Levi looks vacantly at her as he thinks about what to say. "Don't bother feeling guilty. You're still doing your part whether you're out there or not and if you second guess yourself then that's when you're doing wrong."

Ursula looks to him and is a bit confused.

"You were given a second chance by being found so don't waste it. Second guessing yourself is the first step to squandering everything."

As she brushes some of the auburn hair behind her ears she merely lets these thoughts simmer in her mind. Perhaps he was right, maybe questioning if everything she was doing was wrong when in reality she was still doing her part. It was odd not being on the battlefield but then again the background support is just as important as actually dying for the cause. However that's all she really knew: giving her life so others may live. It just felt like she was spinning her wheels and letting everyone down was all.

"Here." the man says then as he comes forward and hands her a simple leather bag, stopping her thoughts. She questions it slightly but takes it graciously nonetheless.

"You can't deliver messages without a bag to carry them in."

Removing her sight from the small but dense thing to the male just in front of her she finds herself a little in awe. However instead of squandering the moment the girl simply smiles. "Thank you, Captain. I don't usually receive gifts so I don't know how to thank you properly."

But before too much more could be said he simply said 'you're welcome' and turns to leave. The girl notices that it was time to leave as everyone was beginning to get on their horses to depart for the newest expedition. She slips the new bag on and quickly puts the letter and little charm safely in then she silently leads Argus outside. In all their glory the Scouting Legion grouped together behind Erwin, Hanji and Levi. She spots James, Elizabeth, Aurou, Petra, all of them really, and lets their faces sink into her mind. Despite such gloom they tried their hardest to all look ready for what was to be expected. She was proud to see them march even if she knew that death was a horrible thing.

As they departed for the gate in one direction Ursula goes the opposite way to head deeper within the walls. Truthfully the inner city was more uncharted territory than that beyond Rose and Maria and full of even more dangers if you looked in the wrong places. Unfortunately in Sina everywhere was a wrong place, especially The Military Police. They were snakes through and through and any day would she rather take on a titan than one of them. As she passes through the town she shudders lightly. The only thing keeping her going was the thought of the letter and the gift. They needed to be delivered and someone needed to do it.


	6. Forever Yours

**CHAPTER SIX: FOREVER YOURS**

"It was a promise that I vowed to never forget. I was yours, until nevermore."

* * *

**"When you vow yourself to someone the world itself has one sole meaning. Sometimes you don't even realize that you have given your everything to them but in the end you still feel the same whether or not it's known to you.**

**You want nothing more than to be theirs and you would make sure that whatever they believed in, your heart would also go into it."**

The days had gone by, the people further within the walls seemed even more disgusted with her and in response she kept to herself. They were quite unlike the people she was accustomed to back at head quarters who together stood strong against whatever it was that was thrown at them. In wall Sina it was as if you were alone: people only pretended to be there for you as they haunted the background whispering lies about you.

Passing through the streets she notices that some of the people stick close to each other and talk among themselves. They keep an eye on her and she merely tries to ignore them. Ursula knows that they are in fact saying something cruel about her faction. That's what they always do, they like to say that they are a waste of taxes and nothing ever gets done with them doing the things that they do.

Ursula thinks about how wrong they are and secretly tells herself that the opinions of the weak matter little when they haven't ever seen a titan before. Watching your friends give in to fear the moment they make one little mistake, hearing the sound of fear leave their heart through their mouth as they get caught. It may seem like a coward's way to go out with all the screaming and shaking but really it's not. You were brave enough to join them and brave enough to die with them. Nobody is a coward unless they run and hide deeper in the walls.

Admittedly Utopia was pretty. The castle gleams in the distance and from afar she stares at it. She wonders what her comrades think and wonder if they feel what she feels now whenever they see it. Granted most rarely ever get the chance to and her mind lingers on Erwin's thoughts. Does he think it's pretty or just a waste of potential resources? Then she wonders what he does think is pretty but questions if he ever has the time to think about the things like that.

"You think too much," she whispers to herself as she weaves her path through the clean streets "Quit it already you stupid girl."

But even as she and Argus make their way to the castle he lingers in the back of her mind.

But when they do arrive at the castle it's a bit different than how they thought. The military police are standing and waiting for her as they guard the doors. They look down upon her as she gets off her horse while one comes to hold him from her. Despite being military they aren't too ready to accept each other. They act tough because they got high grades and think they're special and that's why they got to serve the King. But they aren't special, nobody is. They're just people who got live a nice life while others in such a cruel world perish for the idea of a happy life for everyone.

"State your business." someone says as they walk to her. It's woman and she looks harsh. The gun on her back looks like it's been used a few times.

"I am here to deliver a message to the King. Commander Erwin has sent it as an urgent message." Ursula responds and the other woman's brows furrow. As they stand together Ursula's gaze trails off to the side for a moment and she notices a particular female standing next to a male as their leader speaks to her. She looks a bit stoic, bored even, but as Ursula looks at her she looks back and they hold their eye for a few moments.

"Give me the letter and I will see to it that it reaches him."

Her eyes flicker back to the hard looking woman and she nods lightly, her dark red hair flying about. Her long fingers reach into the depths of her bag and quickly fish out the little letter and the charm as well. She hands the woman her note, she says nothing and in almost an instant she turns around to take her leave. Before they all can take their leave however Ursula quickly reaches out and grabs the other woman's arm. She almost reaches for her gun but instead she's a bit disarmed by Ursula's hand going to hers.

"Your brother has a message for you." she says quietly "I believe it would be easiest to meet me at the gate."

The woman blinks her eyes as the grey-eyed female smiles lightly, bows, and turns to return to her horse. For a moment she stands a bit unsure of what to do but after a second she quickly follows after her leader. Ursula wasn't too sure if she had gotten the right girl but either way her decision was final. She would wait near the gate for a little bit until a response from the king came in.

* * *

Standing quietly off to the side Ursula waits. As time flows into itself she begins to wonder and worry if that had actually been the right girl. Maybe she should have gone off of more than just a feeling and the thought that they looked the same. The certainly did have the same eye shape and color not to mention the same warm skin tone. Plus James did say she would be waiting.

However Ursula simply shakes her head as she crosses her arms "I suppose worrying doesn't do me any good. If she comes, she comes."

"You," someone says and Ursula looks up to see who it is. She smiles as the woman grows closer "You said my brother had a message for me?"

Realizing this woman had been James' brother she bows quickly in a show of respect as they meet one another. Holding onto the reins of her horse her hands tighten around them as she suddenly tries to figure out what to say. A moment of silence lingers between the two and Clair patiently awaits some sort of answer.

"It's just that your brother was worried," she begins "he just wanted you to know that he was proud of you."

Clair's brows furrow as she listens to Ursula. Her lips curl and she questions the shorter girl "That's it? That's all he had to say?"

She pauses for a moment and thinks back to what he mentioned afterward about his dream. Then she remembers that she promised that she wouldn't say anything about it. "No, that's all."

"Figures."

However the laugh that came from the female had taken Ursula back slightly. Feeling confused her gaze falls upon the dark-skinned woman as she tries to figure out what had been so funny and as she stares Clair merely shakes her head.

"Even as children he found it hard to tell people what was really on his mind. Such a fool he is, that brother of mine. But look kid, the next time you're in town I'll buy you a drink, ok?"

Ursula holds onto Argus's reins as she thinks about this offer. Clair is holding the charm in her hand and in the other the response from the King. It's a little odd and she wonders if she can trust Clair but quickly she reminds herself that she had just met her and basing her off of one meeting would be a bit shallow. She considers it anyway and quickly takes the note.

"I suppose I'll be coming here frequently and we'll see each other more often than not so I guess that would be ok." she answers with a smile. Her heart grows slightly heavy however as she thinks of Erwin and the others. It has been only a few days since they all left and for the most part an expedition beyond the wall didn't take too long. Causalities were the main cause of returning but there were many reasons to return. Not always was it a terrible reason they came back.

Grinning the other woman waves her off and before Ursula knew it she was back on the road. It was getting dark and in a short time it would be night. It would be cold but as a soldier she would have to bear with it. After all her Captain and Commander were off fighting for a brighter future and a little cold wouldn't harm her. It was the least she could do.

Nevertheless she passed through the gates and headed back to base vowing to herself that she would see them again and that they would be safe.


	7. Seer

**CHAPTER SEVEN: SEER**

"If you had the chance to change the past, would you?"

* * *

**"We as humans are fickle creatures. Most of us hold regret over what we have done in our lives or what we haven't. May it be a big thing we lament, or a small one, in the end we wish that we could go back and change it.**

**However if we did get the chance, most of us wouldn't know what to do even if we did decide to actually amend it."**

Nearing the end of her journey, Ursula feels compelled to pick up the pace. She is so close to being back at head quarters that she could almost taste the pain of the latest expedition. She vaguely wonders if they got what they wanted and just how many lives it had cost this time. A grim thing to think about it but reality was always the cruelest.

Sitting on her horse and patiently waiting to pass through a rather large group of people she vacantly stares into the large body of souls. She knows she should just cut through and tell them to move out of the way but for some reason she can't. They all look so happy, so carefree, and in her heart she can't help but to long for that ignorance. The best she could do was sit on Argus and think about another life in which she could share their darkness.

Off to the side she looks and notices a man and his family. A mother carefully holds onto her daughter's hand as they shop for their daily necessities. They're happy and the little girl laughs. As Ursula watches she can't help but to feel a bit nostalgic over it. It reminds her of much simpler time when she was a child.

* * *

The smell of wheat and summer linger on the warm winds as they blow by. Sitting quietly by a patch of blue flowers the little girl creates a crown while she sings a little song. It's an upbeat tune about fishing and as she sings she is euphoric. Nearby is her father who holds onto a book and is sketching in it, every so often he looks up to make sure his daughter is in the same place.

"Ursula, don't run off." he says as a little reminder for the little girl with pig tails "Your mother would be furious."

Catching wind of the word "mother" she suddenly gets up and runs over to her father with the little crown of blue in her hands. It's actually just a big mess of half destroyed flowers but in her mind it's fit for a queen or princess and she hands it to her sire. He sets his book down and momentarily stares at it wondering what it could possibly be.

"It's for mummy," she says happily "it's a crown."

He looks down at his daughter and smiles. "Yes and it's the loveliest of all crown. Come though, your mother will be home any minute now."

Excitedly she hops down and reaches for her father's hand and after stuffing his sketch book under his other arm they walk home. The sun is setting and the world is relatively quiet. The day is peaceful as it has been for nearly one-hundred years.

When they return home Ursula runs in and patiently waits at the table. The smell of dinner is intoxicating but not as anticipated as her mother's return. It's been a few months since she had the time to come home for even a day and in such a short while things have changed. Ursula has grown and her father has sold more shoes granting them the ability to buy a couple of nice things. It's a simple life but a pleasant one.

Suddenly a knock on the door disrupted the quiet atmosphere and Ursula bounces out of her seat as she waits for it to be opened. Her father walks over to the door and as expected her mother is standing there in full gear. Starry-eyed and beyond the ability to contain herself she runs to her mother with her arms open wide for a hug.

"My daughter!" she says as she bends to pick the bundle of happiness up. "You've grown since we last saw one another. Before you know it they'll have to retire me and enlist you to fight those scary monsters."

Her husband's brows furrow in a _"don't say that"_ kind of way as he wipes his hands on a cloth. But before he could actually complain she leans in for a kiss and he happily returns the gesture. For a moment the shoemaker and his family are happily reunited before they are separated once more.

After dinner the woman has changed into more appropriate clothes to be seen in with civilians and they sit around happily keeping one another company. Little Ursula has given her mother her gift already but it has long since dried out. It's clear the little girl is tired but in no means is she ready to leave her mother's side for in the afternoon of the next day she would have to depart. So quietly she rests her head on her mother's lap, humming quietly and trying her hardest not to close her eyes.

"Mummy, please tell me another story?" she asks with a bit of a drawl.

"You know, Ursula," she begins as she strokes her daughter's head causing the dark hair to become smooth "If you're tired you can go to sleep. I'll still be here in the morning."

However the child shook her head, trying her hardest to refrain from closing her eyes. She was adamant at staying awake to be with her mother.

"Please? Just one more story about the monsters?"

"Alright, let me show you something then."

Scooping her daughter gently into her arms and taking her towards the closest window, they sat down together to look upward.

"Do you see all those stars?" she asks.

Ursula nods her head.

"Your Grandfather used to tell me that those were souls of the people we loved and who they loved and who those people loved. They didn't leave us when it was their time they simply went to look after us in a different place. And that's what I'm doing: I don't leave you, I'm just taking care of you somewhere else."

Ursula watches the stars quietly and wonders if it's true. But after a second of questioning it she quietly asks "Is granddaddy up there too?"

"Yes," she responds and holds her closer "We'll all be up there one day. Everyone will be because we all love one another."

Satisfied with what she hears Ursula says nothing more and continues to think about the stars. She thinks about them so hard that within the next few minutes she is sleeping soundly and her mother goes to put her to bed. Afterwards she goes to join her husband who is quietly sketching shoes in his book.

"She is so much like you, Elsa," he says calmly as he continues to stare at his book "She doesn't really take after me at all."

The woman stares at her husband and notices that he is deep in thought. That's all he had been doing since she arrived: drawing and keeping his attention on his book. Understandably it's his job to design shoes and to make them as soon as possible but she feels that he is ignoring her. Gently she takes his face into her hands, forcibly taking his attention off of his book and placing it onto her, and as they look at one another she smiles.

"She has your eyes."

He quickly removes his glasses and he sets them down. "For her sake she better not."

She smiles and quickly kisses him but before she can pull away he takes her in his arms and holds her close. After months of not being able to hold anyone close he cherishes the moment by standing still. The sound of her heart indicates that this is in fact a real moment that he is living in and that his wife is in his arms. Such a bittersweet moment knowing this will be the last time for a long while.

"Perhaps it's time to see if we can make another? Maybe this time he will look like you and want to be a shoemaker just like his daddy." she says while nuzzling him. A smile curls his lips and together they find the bedroom, excited to make their small family bigger.

* * *

"Father, when will mother be home?"

"Shortly. Make sure you're stirring that soup. You burned it last time."

"Do you think she'll have any stories to share? About her killing the titans and cutting them up like a butche -"

"Ursula, keep your thoughts on the pot."

"Sorry."

The smell of the soup and an empty stomach fueled the girl's anticipation. No longer a small child of nearly five but that of a girl nearly eight she found herself always day dreaming and pretending to be like her mother. Her mother's visits had grown increasingly distant and what time she did have to come home was usually spent sleeping. She rarely had time for her husband and daughter anymore.

"Father." she began after a few minutes of total silence.

"Yes, Ursa?" he answers as he continues to draw in his book.

"Does mother not love me anymore?"

The sound of his drawing stops and the room becomes quiet. Only the faint sound of the fire burning in the distance could be heard and the girl turns around slightly to see her father staring at his book. He doesn't say anything but simply stares at the page before him. "Of course she does, silly girl, your her only child and will always be her only child." he answers finally and he looks over to her. He smiles but he isn't really smiling.

"Oh." Ursula responds and turns back to the soup. Nobody smiles anymore, not since her mother's accident a few months ago. All she remembers was the blood and her mother's tears before she got sent away to play with the neighboring children.

The sound of the door opening and closing broke the quietness and the girl quickly turns her head to see her mother walking in. She is quiet and doesn't say anything while she wanders towards the table where her father sits. They look at one another, a silent conversation between the two, and when Ursula decides to greet her motherly happily she simply gives a faint smile. "Hello Ursula," Elsa states while standing in front of her daughter "You've grown since we last saw one another."

* * *

It was snowing that day. It was bitterly cold and the winds howled against the house but the fire within was warm and kept the father and daughter content. Quietly reading a book she had received from a friend for her eighth birthday, Ursula patiently awaits dinner. It smelled delicious as always and her father was drawing in his book. There were shelves upon shelves littered with his designs and every so often the girl would pick a book and ask her dad the story behind that particular shoe. A simple but pleasant life it was.

"Father," she begins quietly as her eyes stare at her books pages "My friend says there is something out there called the ocean. It's warm and sandy and full of life. Do you believe him?"

Not a second in between and he answers just like that "You know that doesn't exist and we're not allowed to talk about it."

"Yeah, but could you imagine something like that?" she says as she looks up from her book "It would be marvelous to see, don't you think?"

"What's marvelous is the fact you day dream so much. One day your brain is going to do you more harm than good, my dear."

She smiles and her dad looks at her. These recent months she hasn't been as talkative like she was before. Instead she is more placid than excitable.

"When will mother be home?" she asks then as she shuts her book to return it to the shelf.

"Soon. Go wash up and get the dishes out."

Ursula nods, she brushes some of her dark tresses behind her ears, and she goes to wash her hands. She quickly fishes out three bowls and some spoons to use to eat with. Placing them around her father she goes to return to her seat but before she can sit there is a knock at the door. A smile comes to her lips as she thinks about her mother and she calmly walks to the door. However upon opening the door she finds herself a bit taken aback with what she sees.

"Emil Weiss?" one of the men asks her and she stares up at him. He is the older of the two, dark haired but greying. The other is younger with blond hair and stares at her with a look she couldn't quite place. Her father comes to the door and finds that there are two military men standing before her.

"I am the Leader of Squad Four, Adrien Moureau," he begins solemnly "I am here to deliver the news that soldier Elsa Weiss was killed in action in the most recent of expeditions outside the wall. We are most grieved to deliver you this news."

The blond male then hands something over to her father. It was wrapped in a fabric the same color as their capes but it was torn and dirty. The men stare at one another and Ursula looks up to her father with a bit of question and notices he doesn't move or say anything. Her eyes go back to the other men and she watches them.

"We are very sorry for your loss but she was an excellent soldier. Not a moment in her life did she stop telling us she was making a better world for you."

The men began to walk away then. Her father stood silent in the doorway and the cold was beginning to sink in. He cradles whatever was in the green fabric like a lost child holding onto the last thing his mother touched. Ursula then began to run however, chasing them desperately and her voice calls for them. The two men stop the moment they realize Elsa's little girl is following them.

"Thank you for returning my mother!" she says and the two question what exactly is going on. "I know she did good out there and I'm proud of her for it. It may be selfish to say it but I'm happy to finally have my mother home."

They look at one another.

"One day I will take her place, I promise. But for now I have to make sure my father will be ok. Farewell."

She smiles at them one last time, making sure to have their image in her mind for the rest of her life. The older one is very surprised and his brows are knotted together. He is unsure if he should let little girls make promises so easily after hearing that their mother wasn't alive anymore. The much younger one still looks quite unaffected by everything but beyond the seriousness of his face he watches her with a strange confusion.

Ursula then returns home and helps her father. It will be her job to make sure he is alright for the next while.

* * *

Shivering lightly Ursula notices that she can now move through the crowd. The family who caused her memory to flare has been long since gone and feeling the pain of sorrow made her stay in the same spot for a little moment. The memory of her mother had always lingered in her mind and she had been certain she always would. For as long as Ursula could remember she was her inspiration for what she did and how she was capable to get through most of her predicaments.

Suddenly her thoughts switch over to the boy she saw that day and just how serious he had been. Her lips curl at the thought of when she promised to take her mother's place one day and how his facial expression stayed the same. To this day, even with all the pain and agony that she has seen and faced, she wouldn't change it for anything. Still smiling she begins to make her final moments of travel towards head quarters.

After all she was about to see that boy again from so long ago. He hasn't changed one bit from that day.


End file.
